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November 30th, 2009


I actually saw New Moon, which is the second flick in the Twilight series, the Saturday after it came out, so I’ve been meaning to write a Ebert & Roper style movie review. But I’m not doing very well with my time management skills of late. Anywhoo, I know if you guys have at least heard of Twilight, even if you’ve never seen the movie. My ex-girl actually put me on Twilight when it came out around this time last year (which turned out to the last thing that girl ever put me on). But I didn’t watch the movie until August of this year, because didn’t really feel the need to watch a movie about a chick that falls for a vampire…I mean, that’s what we have True Blood for, no?

But turns out Twilight is the fuxing dopeness, and I probably anticipated the release of New Moon more than any movie in my recently memory. Which says a lot about my interests, but I could give a fux about what ya’ll think.


So, anyways, in New Moon, shawty was talking to the vampire nucca. But then that nucca was like, “yo, I don’t wanna be with you no more. I might fux around and eat you. So, I’m out. Me and my whole family are moving. I’ll see you when I see you.” So, then shawty was like, “don’t leave me.” But the vampire nucca wasn’t trying to hear it. So, during the whole movie, shawty was doing reckless shit because the vampire nucca would kinda sorta pop up like a ghost and convince her not to do dumb sh!t like jump off a cliff and ish, but the dumb chick would do it anyways just cause she wanted to see his ghostly image. And then she started hanging out with this lil dude:


In the first movie dude as like shawty’s homeboy, but she was always with the vampire nucca, so this dude wasn’t really around. But since the vampire nucca gave her the deuces, she kinda used the lil dude as a rebound guy. They started hanging and come to find out dude is a werewolf, and after awhile he realized shawty was on that bullsh!t so he basically told her, “look, you’re full of ish, and I’m a werewolf, so I can’t be around you cause if I get mad, I might fux you the fux up.” But shawty was like, “nah, I need you,” and this pus azz nucca fell for it and started having her back against some other vampires that wanted revenge on old girl like, “yeah, your vampire homeboy ain’t here now, talk that sh!t now b!tch.” So, the werewolf dude was like, “nah, it ain’t gonna go down like that.”

But then when shawty found out the vampire nucca was all fuxed up over her, she ran halfway around the global to his rescue, even though the werewolf dude was like, “nah, baby, I thought we had something special,” and shawty was like, “nah, lil homie. I mean, we cool, but I ain’t gonna let you hit this, so just step back.”

So, then shawty hooks up with the vampire nucca and it’s like, aw man, not this boring azz, half dead azz nucca again (I mean, that’s what I was thinking in my head). And without telling ya’ll the ending, the movie kinda cruises for the last 35 minutes or so, and leaves you hanging for the next movie. But that’s pretty much how it went down.

But the way I saw it, New Moon was really good. And if you liked the first one, you’ll like the sequel. I can’t front, I picked up a couple smooth moves from the werewolf dude when he was trying to get at old girl that I’m gonna add to my “playbook.” And I have to say “no homo,” but the werewolf dude was hella buff in the movie, and he inspired me to hit LA Fitness a little harder, so I can get that 6-pack I’ve always been working towards, but never developed.

Anyways, New Moon was dope. It’s the best movie of the year in my opinion, but keep in mind I didn’t see very many movies in 2009. And to this day, I still don’t really know what Precious is about, nor do I have the desire to see it. But since New Moon broke some kind of first day record when it did like $72.7 million in one day, and then over the Thanksgiving holiday it did $42.5 million, which set a Thanksgiving holiday record or something, its gotta be the cool kids movie.

I’m gonna give New Moon 4 chicken sandwiches. And if you haven’t seen Twilight or New Moon, I’ma need you to get on it.

Movie Rating:



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16 Responses to “New Moon – (Movie Review)”

  1. Ms.Chriss

    OMG!!! I saw both Twilight and New Moon this weekend!! Who would have ever thought these movies can be as dope as they are. LOVE THEM!!

  2. Randy Exclusive

    Cool Kids watch Twilight. Basic broads watch Tyler Perry movies. They don’t know about this.

  3. donte regis

    i’m going to check out new moon today.

  4. BuddyWhite

    I dunno, man….seems pretty ghey….

  5. Randy Exclusive

    Don’t knock it til you see it.

  6. Nika

    What a review Randy smh :-)

  7. chasdizz

    lmao…“yeah, your vampire homeboy ain’t here now, talk that sh!t now b!tch.”

    i haven’t seen new moon yet. twilight was coo, but i dont understand ppl’s obession with it. i’ll probably watch new mooon on the internet somewhere. clearly they dont need my money.

    and precious is disturbing as hell.

  8. Randy Exclusive

    Lol @ precious is disturbing as hell.

  9. G843

    twilight is for WOMEN

  10. Randy Exclusive

    Yep, take your shawty. She’ll be super wet afterward.

  11. G843


  12. Bahama

    Um? your review was better than the whole damn movie. Shit sucked. I read the books and you know how movies don’t ever live up to the books? This crap just pissed me off. But if I hadn’t read the book the movie would be aight…wouldn’t wanna watch it more than once.

    And yes LAWD Jacob looked hawt! lol

  13. Randy Exclusive

    I didn’t read the book. Who has time to read?

  14. Juice Mannen Hugo

    I saw the first movie the other day, I have to say I thought it would be better, all the fuss and all.

    1st She’s not really that hot.
    2nd Vampire dude is like 15, he looks weak and faded a vampire should look vicious and hella creepy.
    3rd script sucked, wtf how long has it been? are they banging? why don’t they just kill that other dude right there, they’re like 8 fighting 2.
    4th acting was horrible, they stared at eachother like they where looking at a wall, half the god damn movie.

    all though i liked the landscape, i’m gonna have to check oregon out some time.

    I’m glad I read your review because I enjoyed it, and now I don’t have to see the second movie.

  15. BANK!

    New Moon was the worst movie I’ve seen all year. I want my $9 back. Twilight was so much better. The fact that the girl was depressed for 30 minutes of the movie and there is no real climax or resolution to the movie. I give it a pickle off a chic-fil-a sandwich.

  16. Randy Exclusive

    It couldn’t have been worse than Precious. I didn’t see Precious but I’m just saying.

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