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The second movie I saw this last weekend was the third movie in the Twilight Saga: Eclipse. And Block readers should already know, after seeing the first two Twilight flicks, I’m pretty much a Twilight stan, and I really don’t care what anyone thinks of that. I’ve been waiting on this movie more than anything else this summer. Twilight over everything…

Yeah, yeah, I know the basic story of Twilight is a cake ass love film about vampires and werewolves fighting over an average looking chick named Bella, but the movies are intense as f*ck to me. The first five minutes of Eclipse is better than Grown Ups, but I guess that’s not saying very much.

The Eclipse story went like this… The movie picks up with Bella and her vampire boyfriend Edward talking about getting married, and Ed’s like marry me, and Bella’s like turn me into a vampire (why this chick is dying to be a vampire is beyond me, but it’s funeral), so Bella is like eff it, I’m still a teenager anyways, so we’ll talk about it later.

So, this Victoria vampire chick is still pissed that Ed and his vampire family (the Cullens) killed her vampire boyfriend James, so Victoria is still wants to kill Bella to get revenge on Edward. Confused yet? Try to keep up. So Victoria is off in another city, building a vampire army so she can bring it to Ed and his vampire family. Meanwhile, Bella is stuck in a love triangle with Ed and her werewolf homie Jacob. This nucca Jacob is still sprung on Bella and he ain’t even smelled the pus yet.

So the whole movie this nucca werewolf dude Jacob is telling Bella like, man eff that vampire, you need to be with me, girl. And Bella’s like, no I love Ed and I’m gonna be with him. And Jacob is like, he’s lucky I don’t kick his b!tch ass, cause I don’t like vampires anyway. Then this nucca tries to sneak a kiss on Bella, and she’s like hell no dude, we ain’t like that, and she punches him in the face and breaks her hand. Edward finds about all this and he runs up in Jacob like, why you trying to kiss my girl, wolf boy! And Jacob is like, well what you wanna do lil vampire nucca! And Bella is like, everybody chill the f*ck out! And then her dad comes outside with his basic human ass, so the vampire and werewolf fallback.

So later on Edward and his vampire family find out about Victoria and her vampire army, and how they’re getting ready to bring it to them and how they wanna kill Bella. So the Cullens start planning ways to protect Bella, and Jacob finds out about this, and you know he’s always down to play Captain Save a Hoe, so he’s like, me and my wolf gang will help save Bella too. So the vampires and the werewolves put their differences aside, all in the name of saving this lil white girl that nobody is even fuxing (what kinda ish it that!!). I mean, Bella be trying to give Ed the pus, but this nucca be like, no I ain’t trying to hit that, not til we get married, and I be like, man, this nucca ain’t had no p@ssy in three movies (smh), go head and knock that ish down. But it never fails, the vampire boy got all the superhuman strength in the world, but he’s still scared of the p@ssy.

But Ed asked Bella to marry him, and she says yes. But she’s like, don’t tell Jacob yet, not until after the fight. And Ed is like, man fuck that nucca. And sorta he ends up telling Jacob. And you know Jacob be getting all emotional over Bella, so goes ham. Bella runs after him, and Jacob starts hating again… and she admits to loving Jacob too, even those she’s still gonna stay with Edward (you know how chicks be choosin’). And it’s like, c’mon Jacob, man up, there are plenty more hoes promiscuous girls out there.

Anyways, the vampires and werewolves find out when Victoria and her vampire army plans on attacking, so they put there plan together, Ed and Jacob hide Bella way off in the woods somewhere. Victoria’s army runs up on Ed’s vampire people, but her army ends up being like, 10 people (like, what kinda army is that?), so when they run up on the Cullens, Jacob’s wolf pack runs up out of nowhere, team up with Ed’s fam, and they handle up against Victoria b!tch as army.

But when Victoria figures out where they’re hiding Bella, she runs off and finds Ed and Bella…everyone fights. Victoria loses.

Come to find out, Dakota Fanning and the Volutri (which is like vampire royalty, that live in Europe or somewhere) is partially behind the whole attack on the Cullens. And Dakota is like, weren’t you supposed to turn Bella into a vampire? And the Cullens are like, really? We’re supposed to be scared of Dakota Fanning? But they play it cool cause Dakota Fanning and the Volutri kinda run sh*t, so they don’t really say nothing…but you know they talk sh*t after Dakota Fanning and her partnas dem leave.

And then the movie ends off with Ed and Bella talking about getting married again, and it’s kinda like they could have ended the movie 20 mins ago.

All and all, Eclipse is pretty good. I mean, it’s the typical Twilight movie…vampires and werewolves on some b!tchassness over a chick, but the drama, suspense and intensity keep you at the edge of your seat throughout. But if you’re like me, you might be getting tired of these nuccas running around the forest behind this basic broad and ain’t nobody f*cking nothing. But even though the saga loses some of it’s freshness in this one, it’s still Twilight, it’s a good movie.

Rating:

4 Responses to “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (Movie Review)”

  1. G

    UR PRETTY GAY FOR LIKING THAT CHICK FLICK SO MUCH WORD

  2. Randy Exclusive

    “I’m pretty much a Twilight stan, and I really don’t care what anyone thinks of that.” You missed the part when I said I don’t give a fuck, huh? I’ll say it again, I don’t give a fuck. Word.

  3. Nika

    He must have skipped over that part :-) WORD (who does that?)

  4. G

    IM JUS SAYIN LOL

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